Old Posts - January 2002

	Thursday Jan 31st 8:16pm by Cody -

Speaking of Alf, I just saw the greatest commercial in the world. Apparently 10 10 321 (or maybe it's a different number, I don't care) has realized that Terry Bradshaw and Mike Piazza aren't getting the hip young people to dial 1000 more digits in order to save 3.2 cents, so they have decided to up the ante a little bit. They have started airing a new commercial starring the most controversial and exciting figure in late 80s television: Alf (or Alien Life Form, if you share my irrational fear of acryonymns). download torrent stylus You may be wondering why this idiotic company decided to bring back a not-quite popular figure from 80s television for their commercials. Here's my theory: they're trying to appeal to people just coming out of a coma. Imagine some guy gets hit by a car in 1987 when Alf is at his peak and then wakes up in 2002. He's confused by so many things, but most of all, those new 10 10 numbers. Then one day, he sees this commercial and figures that if Alf is endorsing the number, it can't be all bad. He and millions of others like him dial the crap out of this number, making the company rich and bringing Alf back into the spotlight. Get ready for it, folks.

Quite sometime ago, Matt told me some of the crazy, newfangled features his cell phone had, and they all seemed like a good idea at first. I soon realized how they were just crazy attempts by the phone manufacturer to cover their ass for previous errors. Naturally, I wrote some rant on it, and I just forgot to put up the link to it. So, here is my little rant on new cell phone features.

The last poll was about as close as any poll we have ever had. You can view the results here. I put up a new poll that somewhat relates to my rant. I was also just curious to see how many people haven't hopped on the trolley and gotten a cell phone. I know Cody doesn't have one, but that is because he hocked his last one to buy more Alf pogs.

In relation to the recent, nationally-publisized cartoon hype at A&M, I figured I'd give TamUt some ethnic diversity in picture-form. Here these student represent their thoughts on the catoon.

This past weekend's parties were as crazy and diverse as anything. But how does a crazy night start? With a check list that goes a little like this:

• 5-kegs? . . . check
• Liquor? . . . check
• DJ? . . . check
• 10 gallons of fruit and punch? . . . check
• crazy people? . . . check and check
• Alright, lets move out!

These pictures come a variety of parties ranging from crack-ridden, dj-having Melrose apt. party to no-women-having, ghetto, let's get the fuck out of here College Park party, to Iron Spike let's go get our grove on party. You can see that we left the ghetto party just in time as the 5 police cars pulled up. Then back to an apt. party where some crazies were doing lines in the kitchen. What a night.

Now this is definitely the website of the day. Mark's Apology Note Generator should be used instead of wasting pointless time talking to your significant other. Simply select the appropriate options from the drop-down menus and send it off. This will save you some time so that you can get back to talking to other girls. (I wrote that for YOU, you know who you are)

Of course you can't just have the guy's apology letter. Mark also made a version for women. But since women really don't apologize, he appropriately made Mark's Bitch Letter Generator. In his words, he "created the Bitch Letter Generator in the hopes that women will provide us with a consistent barrage of criticism." Nice work boys, nice work.

This weekend brought another good weekend for the socializing. Friday was a slower night, but I did get to actually drink one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer in succession just like John Lee Hooker would have wanted. I also got to hear Jen's friend's awful fake New Jersey accent. She never gave an explanation for the accent, but I do know that her voice was more unbearable than Janice from Friends. I wish I had Tony Soprano's number on speed dial so he could put a hit out on that bitch. Saturday night was much more interesting as John through a hell of a party. They had two of the best ideas I had ever seen at parties. (1)Before the party starts, bring over female friends and have them paint up their breasts and make imprints on white paper. Then, have them sign their breast imprints and hang them as decoration in a part of the house. (2)Give everyone blank name tags and pens and allow them to create interesting names or phrases to put on the name tags. One word of caution, if you are a girl and put a "HELP ME" tag next to your zipper, people will try to unzip your pants. Of course, I was stupid and didn't get enough pictures. Don't ask me why. Although, I did get a funny shot of Josh and Dan's sister and a good example of what happens when you take a pic when no one is ready. Good times.

If you go to a real college, you probably aren't familiar with the concept of resident requirements. Basically, it means you have to stay on campus in the dorms for a certain amount of years because the university thinks you'll go around sodomizing hobos if given too much independence. Maybe they're right, but if you ask me, those uppity hobos are asking for it.

My school, which is the ultimate in fake schools, requires me to live on campus for 3 years. So, by the time I graduate, I should just about be grasping why I shouldn't be peeing in the bathtub and other important lessons you can only learn from living on your own. I think it is just another part of Trinity University's plan to flood the job market with lots of incompetent bedwetters. Look out, world!

Figured while I'm taking defensive driving online for my second ticket in 2 weeks (got to love the legal work-arounds), I may as well pull the BAC chart since it's already in nice html format. Now you can know how close you were to death just last week.

It is always nice to get letters from our readers who enjoy our work. It is even nicer to get letters from our readers who enjoy our work and make fun of Tech within their letter. Here is a letter we got from a fan who comes from a family of Red Raiders. Cody may want to have some words with the grandfather who went to Trinity but claims to have gone to Tech.

Man, I don't know what to say. I am still rolling from reading your website. I am an Aggie "white sheep" who was raised in a family of Red Raiders. My parents went to Tech, my Aunt and Uncle went to Tech, my stepdad went to Tech, one of my brothers is there now. My grandad went to Trinity and pretends he went to Tech, and my grandmother went to UT (albeit for one year) and pretends she went to Tech. Only my wife, my youngest brother, and myself were intelligent enough to see the light and go to A&M.

Just wanted to congratulate you on a damn hilarious website and say keep up the good work. "Keep up the good work." The dumbf*cks section, specifically your responses, are absolute classics.

Craig Bickley '98

It is also funny to get empty threats in e-mail form from LCC dipshits. Head on over to the message board to read that one. I guess today was just a good day for letters.

As a final note, congratulations to the Aggie men's b-ball team who won for the first time in Austin since the spring semester of my kindergarten year.

The above picture describes about what last weekend was like. Not near enough excitement, but some hanging out and drinking. I was lazy so I just got a few random pictures. I think the entertainment of the night was this girl who was either totally plastered or on some type of drug. She was shakin' her ass(and head and arms and legs) on the dance floor like she was in a bad '80s video. The best part was that she thought she was dancing. That's one of those stories that you wake up the next morning not wanting to hear.

To make up for my boredom this past weekend, I'm sure we'll either throw or co-host a party in Austin or SWT, either one sounds good to me. Whatever happens I'm sure it'll make up for last week and then some.

As mentioned earlier, all college students get barraged with solicitors during the first week of classes. However, all of us get slammed by the telemarketers throughout the semester. For some reason, some company thinks I always need a new credit card or am interested in completing a survey. Most people will be patient and at least somewhat nice in telling the telemarketer that they are not interested. This usually leads to a lot of follow up questions and continued conversation. This is just a waste of time. Some people will just hang up the phone, but the telemarketer always senses that the disconnection was an accident. Two minutes later, you get a call back from the same person. Through my experimentation, I have found a way to get them to hang up on you without loud profanity and/or screaming. For credit card people, you have to scare them off. Tell them that you would love to get a new credit card but that makes it easier for the FBI to track you. You could also tell them that you don't believe in banking of any kind and keep your earnings in a coffee can. For the survey people, you have to say something that they can't understand and offends them at the same time. Anytime I get asked to do a survey, I ask if they are from Gallup. When they say no, I tell them sorry and that I only answer to Gallup. This leaves them nowhere to go. If they know who Gallup is, they will also be offended. Gallup must be the big leagues for phone survey operators, and so you just reminded them that they are still playing rookie ball. This method has worked very well for me. I actually got the phone survey lady to say, "Ok, whatever," and hang up on me. It is quick, easy, and a source of humor.

I updated the poll. I figured that everyone gets asked about how their first week of classes went, and so I posed the same question in poll form and in a more grizzled language. The last poll proved that the proper punishment for solicitors is "Punishment by Catapult." Here are the results from the last poll.

Today, nearly every student got a day off to celebrate the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Of course, what does this holiday mean to a caucasian who was raised in the oppressing land of suburbia(where the biggest minority was the white kids thinking that they were Asians) and is attending a university that is 86% white? It is hard for me to celebrate the true meaning of the holiday when I have never experienced anything vaguely resembling oppression. So for all the white kids, this is a day to partake in the stereotypical African-American lifestyle. Drink a 40. Eat some fried chicken. Pretend you have some street cred. Just fake the funk for a day even though you know you are still a goofy cracka whose greatest hardship might be an 8am class.

Note: If you are going to consume some fortified wine product known as Thunderbird, notice how it says, "CONTAINS SULFITES" on the label. I found that warning both interesting and disturbing.

Which drink are you?

With all the analogies that you can make to people's personalities, I figure that the drink analogy is the most applicable for the readers of this site. I think this is at least somewhat accurate. I would prefer to be described as my drink of choice, Scotch on the rocks, but what can I do? To find out what kind of drink you are, just click on the link above.

I am sure everyone has heard the Delta ebonics sound clip by now. Hell, it is been going around since 99, but today, I was shown an animated version of it. Visual aids are so helpful. Click here to watch it.

As an addition to Cody's post, I figured I should speak of my Logo prowess. I did attend Logo summer camp during my tenure at Ditto Elementary. Some of my more famous creations include a rendition of the Red Hot Chili Peppers logo made famous by the Blood Sugar Sex Magik album. I also made a nice animated crash of sorts. If only I had saved those disks...

If my computer were to be animated into a human, it would a deranged derelict at the train yard who can't stop peeing in his pants. There's something about the lethal combination of Internet Explorer and Windows 98 that makes a computer go down like a white dude in a prize fight. The solution to this is obvious: I'll make my own operating system. It'll be written in Logo and all you'll be able to do on it is play emulators and watch midget porn, since thats really all I need. It'll take me a week to program it and once I'm done, watch Microsoft crumble.

Did anyone watch the Duke-Maryland game tonight? It was good until Duke went all Harlem Globetrotters on Maryland. Duke is a little too good at college basketball; to make things more fair, I think they should make Gary Coleman their all-time power forward. I'm sure they'd still be whooping ass, but at least we would all benefit from seeing Gary Coleman in short pants.

I love the beginning of school. It's great. It seems I always meet more people in the first week of class than the entire rest of the semester. I was trying to figure out why today and here's what my theory is: First off you have a new routing each day so you see new people (duh) but what really makes the difference is that everyone hasn't settled into their nitch yet. You know, the nitch where you are just on auto-pilot on the bus to school with your blinders on to the rest of the world. Well auto-pilot isn't an available option until at least the second week of class forcing you to look around and see what's going on. That's when you got to take advantage of the situation and meet new people by being outgoing and just starting conversations. Well there's my two cents.

On a more exciting note, give me a Trans Am and call me Bandit I was in a car chase yesterday. It all started on the drive home from campus to home (on riverside). If you've ever driven this way you know the entrance to the highway is just one lane that everyone squeezes into from 3 lanes. Well I'm cruising along in the second lane and cut in just before the ramp (like I do every day). Apparently the guy in an '87 Honda Accord behind me didn't like that too much. He drove past me shaking his head in a mean-like fashion and showed me his ring that was sitting on his middle finger. So I had to take appropriate action. I sped up cut about 2" in front of him and nailed my brakes, slowing to about 20mph on the highway. I sped up a little and he tailed me so I nailed my brakes again watching him lock up his tires (but making sure to be ready for the gas in case he couldn't slow down enough). Well my exit came right after that so I took my exit and he followed. So I just crept down the access road at about 20mph to make sure he kept following. I then took a right at the light then a U-turn at the next light and sped through the original light just as it turned red. Well he's about 5 seconds behind me and the fucker runs the red light big time. At about this time I'm considering putting on my cowboy hat and my "Bandit" nametag but quickly realize a car chase down Riverside is just asking for it. So I just cruise down the road until after Wickersham (where it becomes more rural) and nail it there. Well we're weaving in and out of traffic pretty quick-like when finally I'm in the left lane, there's a van in the middle and "Smokey" decides to keep up by passing on the right of the van. Big mistake. I nail my breaks, he flies by me and tries to stop as quick as he can, turning into the nearest left turn inlet to wait for me. Well as he's passing me, I bust ass and cross both lanes and make a right hand turn while he's stuck in the middle with all kinds of traffic in the way. I turned my car chase music down and went home. Good times, good times.

The first week of classes always includes collecting your syallabi(syllabus for you "students"). And since not all classes are that difficult, the profs teaching these classes must really strain to create a syllabus that creates an illusion that knowledge is being gained. Enter Exhibit A- a syllabus for COSC 10203, an intro computer science course at TCU. Pay special attention to the "Objectives" section where it describes what skills will be gained from the lab portion of the class. If you don't find that funny, I am surprised you made it to this website in the first place.

Who knew cockfighting would be illegal in Texas? Well, evidently forty people didn't think there would be any problem with getting a cockfight together in Grimes County. Let this be a lesson to the people with dreams of cockfighting glory. You gotta bribe Johnny Law before you invite 40 drunken buddies over for a night of cockfighting. For those of you would like to do some legal cockfighting, you can always head to Oklahoma, New Mexico, or Louisiana. I'd say you should head to Mexico, but they always get suspicious when the gringoes start to pocket too much cash.

When the Stonecutters recruit, they go for the best. And when the best turn them down, they settle for me. I am just now getting into the whole Tamut thing, and I have come up with some ideas I'd like to implement that shall blow the seat of your pants off. I don't want to spoil the surprise, so I'll only share a few of them.

Idea #1: We're going to hold a vote for the most hated personality on the message board. This winner/loser of the vote shall then be fed to some carnivorous, naked mermaids. We'll webcast the whole thing, charge a nominal fee to view it, and use the proceeds to get poor kids drunk.

Idea #2: Tamut: The Musical. It will star James Earl Jones as Brian and Tony Danza as Matt, with message board people portrayed by the Muppet Babies. It will feature the hit song "The Hooker Was Dead When She Got Here". Do I smell Oscar?

Like I say, I have lots of these ideas. I just wanted to throw these two out to whet the appetite a little bit. If you want to help us implement these, I encourage you to send us 5 comely lasses of virtue true.

I was just thinking the same thing today as I walk to my first class. You got the damn people trying to hand you little piece of paper and bibles and what not... they should just be tar and feathered. I could of sworn we already had a rant about those bitches somewhere, oh well.

Well our recruiting is complete and after a 1 and a half years of only 2 members, The Stonecutters World Council has a 3rd member. Expect to hear from him soon, and follow his good word.

Today is the first day of classes, and the first time in the new year that some of us have woken up before noon. And as always, the new semester shall bring an army of solicitors trying to Jew me out of some more money. Some are crafty. Others are unenthusiastic. But all are annoying. If I wanted to receive the Houston Chronicle, I would probably call them and subscribe. If I needed a magazine subscription, I would call them up as well. I don't need someone walking up to my door and asking me to buy these things. So, I have created a foolproof plan for deterring solicitors or "FiPDiS" for short(Yes, I can add letters just like they did in the hit television series "CHiPs"). The plan is simple: place a sign reading "Solicitors Will Be Tarred and Feathered" on your front door and watch as all of the would be solicitors flee from your front door in terror. Just in case, you may want to keep some tar and feathers around just in case the bastard calls your bluff. You don't want to end up being an idiot with a FiPDiS and 40 subscriptions to "Vibe".

Last night was the last party night before the start of the new semester, and I think I spent it right. All-night backgammon tournament? Not quite. Encouraging bisexual tendencies of intoxicated women? Well, that is closer but still off. We did things right with a party. Shane from over at WhatIsPlanB.com was gracious enough to host the shindig. The night was filled with an abundance of hard liquor and even a little running into a friend's ex. Good times were had, and Johnny Law didn't get us down. Allah bless the good Bryan cops and their first time is always a warning policy. Here are the pics from last night. Now, it is time to kill time until having to wake up for that damn 8am class.

By the way, if anyone is interested in getting some engineering books at a nice discount, I have some books from the past semesters lying around here. Just e-mail or IM(the links are above) to inquire about the books.

Here's a real Defensive Driving.com quiz question:

A red arrow means _____ until the green signal or green arrow appears.

A. Stop
B. Go
C. All of the above

Now that's great stuff.

It seems the drunken college sites are slowly starting to become extinct. I was just looking at our links section (in drop-down above ^) and there's only one site left on there ( whatisplanb.com ) that has updates for this year. Drunk@college.com is about to sell out on e-bay (most likely to the porn industry), TrueRival.com hasn't updated since Thanksgiving, TheDailyShot.com hasn't updated since August, and The Daily Glitch no longer even exists.

It's a sad sad in the world of college drinking sites. The weak are dying off and only the strong are surviving. With that said, this is the 534th consecutive day that TamUt.com has been offering its services to drunken college students of America. And don't look to be turning back any time soon. With some recent restructuring of our posting/admin tools I am now turning to add home page threads for each post. We are also in the process of recruiting a new member to our world council. (Don't ask to be it, if we want you, we'll ask you).

Well it being Friday afternoon, I have an excess of beer to drink and strip clubs to visit Well maybe not, but you know the drill. Get the bong!.